The Duty of an Alpha Male
by perilouslips
Summary: Kiba is convinced that 'clan leader' is a synonym for 'fun suck', but you gotta do what you gotta do. And what he's gotta do is find himself a lady. Problem? Well...
1. The Mating Game

This story is pretty much a "just because I can" sort. The idea came upon me in the midst of a KibaSaku mood and I said "Why not?".

Re-edited for the last time, I SWEAR.

Disclaimer: I only own the story idea, which is why I'm poor.

The Mating Game

_Man, I feel sorry for all those people who don't have huge dogs to nap on… _

Kiba blinked lazily, staring up through the waving branches above him. He also felt sorry for all the people who were currently on missions away from Konoha. This was the prettiest time of the year- early spring. The mornings still held a bit of winter's chill, but the sun washed everything with warmth once it was up. The whole world was blooming.

The dog ninja sniffed at the air, taking in every scent he could before rolling over and burying his nose in his companion's fur. Akamaru gave a contented grunt.

"KIBA!"

The boy looked up to see his mother's canine partner Kuromaru running up. He looked kind of pissed. Kiba rubbed at his eyes. "What's up? Something wrong?"

Kuromaro snapped his teeth impatiently, a stern look in his eye. "Did you happen to forget that your mother called a clan meeting for, oh, about twenty minutes ago?"

Kiba's eyes widened marginally. "Oh yeah. I totally forgot." He put his head back down. "Oh well."

"Don't give me that! Up, boy, up! This meeting is especially important for you and your sister, and _she_ is already there. You, however, are very much not! Get moving before I begin to bite."

Kiba groaned and sat up. "Fine, fine. But you could be a little nicer about it. It's not like anyone's going to die if I'm a bit late to a family meeting."

Kuromaro snorted. "_You_ just might, if you make your mother wait long enough."

Kiba made a face.

…_He has a point._

"And I've seen the light… Come on, Akamaru!"

_All I'm saying is that it better not be a damn train…_

* * *

Tsume smiled tightly at Kiba as he rushed into the small circle of Inuzuka clan members. Kiba only felt slightly guilty at the fact that most of them had already left; it was apparent that the meeting was long since concluded.

_Mom didn't make that big of a deal about it when she told me, but the looks I'm getting… Yeesh._

He snapped to attention, however, when his mother began to speak. "Since the prodigal son was late in his arrival, he has missed out on the discussion. Hana, do me a favor and please bring your idiot brother up to speed so that when he is _on time_ to the next clan meeting, he will have intelligent things to say."

…_It's a train, all right._

His sister smiled brightly at him and waited until his mother was buried in conversation elsewhere before whispering, "She isn't really mad, so don't worry. In fact, I think she's kind of glad you weren't here." Kiba's eyebrows rose slightly. Regardless, his sister continued speaking. "We talked about the inheritance issue, for the most part. I know that Mother has already agreed to pass Alpha status to you, but most of the clan seemed to be under the impression that I would be taking over."

Kiba grinned. "That option is still available, if you want. You _are_ the oldest, after all, and your kids would be so proud."

"They already are, but that's beside the point. Clan leader is the last thing I want to be." Hana lifted an eyebrow at him. "My happiness lies with my children, my work, and my love. Unless you've forgotten, Sho proposed to me and I accepted."

Kiba frowned. "I don't see what that has to do with leading the clan. It's not like mates have to be Inuzuka or something."

"Yes, well, considering that I'm pregnant with Sho's baby at the present, I'm a little more inclined to follow his opinions on the matter. He does not want to join with the clan, and I am content with his decision. I'll be pure Inuzuka as long as I'm alive regardless as will the twins, not that it matters. They've already taken to calling Sho 'Papa', and he considers them his own children as much as he does the one in my belly right now. That's all I could ever ask for."

Kiba nodded slowly. "I'm happy for you, sis. But…"

Hana rested her hands on her little brother's shoulders. "Besides, I'm just not cut out to lead. Maybe when I only had myself to look out for, I could have chanced it. But now I have my children and a loving man at my side. Nothing else could add to my happiness. And I would definitely rather spend off-mission time with my kids than bother with all the formalities of being the clan leader."

"But…"

Kiba was abruptly spun around to face his mother. She looked… moderately irritated.

"What's the problem here, Kiba?"

"Uh, nothing, Ma. Just talkin' with Hana about the meeting."

Tsume's eyes narrowed a fraction more. "Ah, yes. The meeting. The meeting that you missed. Again."

Kiba scowled. "I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like I'm the leader yet or anything, and I've seen you doing it for long enough that I get how it works. Besides, I'm not really sure how I would have responded had someone questioned your choice in heirs."

Tsume's hard stare lasted only a second longer than Kiba had been expecting. So he'd interpreted Hana's hint correctly… His clan didn't want him to be the leader.

His mother rubbed her eyes. "It's not that anyone questions your leadership abilities per se, just that they're concerned what this means for the clan in the long run." At Kiba's blank look, she sighed and continued. "As you well know, leadership in the Inuzuka is generally passed down family lines."

"Yeah, to keep our pedigree pure, right?" He got a cuff on the ear for that.

"And anyone not satisfied with the current leader can challenge them and, upon winning, take control of the clan themselves."

Kiba groaned. "Ma, I _know_ all this. What's your point? What, does someone wanna throw down with you because they're afraid I'll drive the clan into a ditch?"

Tsume was watching him carefully. "I already said that's not the problem. It's more that… well, they worry about the transmission of leadership."

"…They think I'm sterile?"

Tsume chuckled quietly. "No. What they worry about is your ability to actually settle down enough to find a mate."

Kiba was so confused. "So they think I'm too ugly to attract anyone? Because seriously, that is not a problem. You can ask around, I've got girls ogling me nonstop."

"It's not a matter of attraction, son. It's the fact that while our clan is not generally very concerned about monogamy, clan leaders have been the exception to that rule for ages. Though they may take lovers on the side, the heads of our clan have always had a single official mate in order to bear official heirs. Frankly, everyone is just worried about you being able to devote yourself to someone on anything close to that level."

Kiba blinked. "So apparently I have commitment issues. Good to know, glad everyone else figured that out for me." He hoped his mother was close to finishing their talk. He had an urge to go punch something now.

"If it makes you feel any better, part of their concern is that if you can't find a mate, someone will be forced to challenge, and none of them feel strong enough to take you on. If you happen to notice the Inuzuka youth training harder than usual, that's probably why."

"What, in preparation to fight me in a few years when I'm alone and heirless?"

Tsume smiled. "Exactly! I'm glad you understand. So, what are you going to do now?" She looked at him expectantly. Kiba stared at her.

"Uh… start coming to clan meetings?"

"In addition to that."

Kiba thought back over their conversation. "Train… harder?"

His mother's expectant look had devolved into exasperation. She smacked him upside the head. "Stop being an immature little bitch and find yourself a woman!"

"But Ma, I'm not a bitch. You changed my diapers, you _know_ I've got a di-" Cue ear cuff number two.

"I meant it in the colloquial sense, idiot son. Now man up and do your duty. You are going to be the next clan leader. It's high time you start thinking like one." The mother stared her son down for a moment. "And let's face it, you don't exactly have a lot of experience with getting girls." She held up a hand at Kiba's protest. "By getting, I mean _keeping_. Make no mistake, I knew exactly when you lost your virginity, and have been aware of the countless encounters since." Kiba rolled his eyes. As if he didn't know how great Inuzuka noses were… His mother continued to talk, ignoring him. "You may be excellent at the one-night stand game, but if you're going to bag a girl ever, you might as well start working towards that now. Grow up a little, huh?"

With that said, Tsume grinned toothily, clapping her son on the back. "I understand that you might think it's a lot to ask of a young male in his prime, to try and find a girl for more than just a tumble in the sack. But I'm sure you're more than capable of handling it."

And she walked away. Kiba stood there dumbly.

He wished someone would have told him that everyone thought he was such a man-slut.

* * *

Kiba was not one to run from responsibility; he was keener on hiding from it.

Unfortunately, his mother could scent him out from a range of three miles. This limited his options. He was currently ensconced in his room. Yes, just about everyone knew where it was, but at least most had the decency to leave him alone in it when the door was shut, which is more than he could say for most other places, the bathroom included.

Of course, that convenient sort of peace could never be expected to last. No sooner had he shut his eyes for another well-deserved nap when…

"Brother dear! I've got something for you!"

_See, that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about._

Said dear brother sat up, grumbling, "Come in if you must."

And she had to.

"Since it seems you're going to be entering the dating scene soon, I put together a care package of sorts!" Hana hefted a basket in the air, grinning. "It's got a couple of magazines with helpful tips, some nice cologne, a few of my girlfriends' numbers if you get really desperate, a-"

Kiba groaned and flopped back onto his bed. "Oh, come on… I'm not even clan leader yet. I'm trying to find a spouse for the sake of that position, but I don't see why I have to find one _right now._"

His sister rolled her eyes. "I think it's important to remember that, given your relationship retardation, you'd be more statistically likely to find a wife by the time you're clan leader if you get all your failures out of the way now."

Kiba rolled onto his stomach, biting at his covers. "This sucks. And _not_ because of what you all seem to think, that I'm incapable of being a one-woman man." His sister's silence gave him leave to continue. "I just… I dunno, I just feel like I'm not going to be able to find anyone because I feel guilty about why I'm even looking."

Hana sat down at the foot of the bed. "What is there to feel guilty about? Isn't that why humans have relationships, why dating even exists? What other purpose does it serve if not to help us find that special someone we need in our lives?"

"Because _that's not what I'm looking for_." He could feel the weird look his sister was giving him, but sat up to get visual confirmation anyway. "I mean, it'd be great to find true love and all that, but at this point in my life, I'm not personally dedicated to that cause, you know? I'm only 21. That's hardly a serious age."

He ran his hands through his hair, snarling it up in various directions. "And even if that weren't the case, it doesn't change the fact that I would be looking for my one and only for the sake of being a proper clan leader. And that's just a bullshit reason, as far as I'm concerned. What woman would want to be a part of that kind of situation?"

His sister was silent a moment longer before reaching out and brushing his hair out of his face. "But it's not as if everyone has relationships simply for love's sake. There are plenty of folks who get together because they want a family in the future, and find their partner satisfactory to have a family with. It's impossible to factor things like that out of the equation. That's just the way the world is." She sat back and looked at him calmly. "I'm surprised you can't see that. I never took you for such a romantic."

"Well, maybe I just don't see the point in a _business_ marriage. That's what this is starting to sound like it'll turn into. And the business is children."

Hana rolled her eyes again. "Stop being so melodramatic. Your coupling will be based on your choice as opposed to some outside arrangement, so I don't see why you keep trying to equate it with business. And what's wrong with kids? You like mine well enough."

"Yeah, but I didn't have to raise 'em. And you had your kids because you actually _wanted_ some at the time. I do not currently share that desire."

"It's not like your theoretical wife is just going to pop out a baby and be done with it. You'll both do your part to raise your child. Of course, if you died, your wife would be more than capable of rearing the kid on her own…" Hana mused, pursing her lips. She knew from personal experience, after all. Her adorable (and annoying) five-year-old twins had been fathered by one of their own clansmen, who (in typical Inuzuka fashion) didn't bother sticking around for very long.

"But… Well, you know… I just…"

"What?"

Kiba mussed up his hair again, growling indignantly in an attempt to distract his sister from the light blush covering his cheeks. "I just don't think I'll want to be a father until I find the exact right girl. I mean, I don't just want a womb, I want… oh, I don't know. Shit." He shook his head, turning away again. "Maybe I've still got hormones left over from adolescence that are messing with my brain. Maybe I _am_ a romantic. I just don't want to have find the exact right girl right this very second, but I'm gonna have to if I need to get some heirs on the assembly line."

"…How poetically you phrase things, little brother. I see no possible way for you to have trouble finding a lady."

"Hey, I'm being serious here!"

Hana laughed at Kiba's expression, one akin to a puppy that realizes it has gotten tricked into willingly going to the vet. "Well, stop it! This is not the end of the world, baby brother. It's just a part of life." She smiled at him fondly. "Don't let all the details get to you, okay? Keep your wits, if you can. Why don't you go for a walk, hm? Take a breather from the compound. It'll do you good, I promise."

"Oh? You guarantee it?"

"Stop being such a pill. You're not the only person who's had to come to terms with reality faster than they might have wanted."

Kiba realized this, but couldn't bring himself to care. "Bully for them."

Hana gave a quiet laugh. "Bully for _me_, you mean. This is exactly what I went through when I first found out I was pregnant, which is indefinitely more stressful than your situation."

"…I fail to see how you rationalize that." Call him a pill, and a pill he would be.

Hana stood and made her way to the door, but not before smiling wryly at her little brother. "Understandably. After all, you aren't going to be the one having the baby, are you?"

* * *

Okay. With his sister's help, he had come to the conclusion that he was severely overreacting. Still, could you really blame a guy?

He tried to take her advice, leaving his room moments after she had, intent on getting out into the forest and having a relaxing think.

The world, however, rejected this idea as fully as possible. He encountered far more people than usual after leaving his safe haven, and every one of them tried to give him advice, having all heard about his little _problem_. It seemed that he had indeed been wrong; his clan was all for him being the leader so long as he fixed his whoredom.

_Assholes. They have some nerve trying to hold me to this bullshit double standard. Let's see _them_ go steady for a while..._

After the fifth unbearably chatty clan member, he decided he might as well just go out a window. He was barely ten steps from his room at this point, and thus concluded that the front door was likely at the end of a treacherous path he'd really rather not traverse. Once he was out, however, he made it to the main road without issue and followed it to the old training grounds.

He was lucky enough to find them empty, and so rested himself against a tree trunk, trying to enjoy the balmy twilight. Pulling off his forehead protector, he decided to practice tying various knots with the ends; it wasn't a particularly useful task, but if he kept his head down in mock concentration, he had the potential to look very busy should anyone else walk by. _Maybe_ they would hesitate to bother him if he looked occupied enough.

To his credit, his mind was more on his dilemma than the knots; for once he was thinking something through. Currently, he was formatting a list of places that were a) familiar, b) abundant with ladies, and c) abundant with ladies that actually had potential. He was coming up quite short.

_Damn…_

Kiba peered around cautiously for passersby. He didn't see or sense anyone and so, for tension release if nothing else, he pulled a Shikamaru.

"TROUBLESOOOOOOOOOOOOME!"

"God, everyone is so loud today… What's your excuse?"

Like a duck to a duck call, the lazy nin was drawn to the scene. Kiba might have flinched in shock on any other occasion, but the presence of another male was a blessing, this male in particular. A notorious genius, Shikamaru was also a surprisingly good listener; and he was alone, thank the blessed heavens. The oddness of his arrival could be overlooked for the time being. Kiba slid a bit further down his tree.

"My life got sucked into a black hole earlier today, that's all."

"And that means what to me?"

"It means that I now have a duty to my clan that I can't avoid, this duty being t-"

"To find a mate and have pups, I know…" Shikamaru yawned widely, sinking to the ground. The dog nin glared slightly, irritated by Shikamaru's usage of terms (just because _he_ used them didn't mean other people should), but nodded anyway.

"Well, I see no real problem, unless you're absolutely incompetent with girls."

Kiba looked off into the distance. "I'm not usually, but now I'll always have this… _mission_ in the back of my mind. It'll complicate things."

"Why?" The relaxed form at Kiba's feet slung both relaxed arms behind its head and settled further into the turf. "Other guys think the exact same things when chatting women up. Maybe not all the time, and maybe not all guys, but mostly when a male is becoming friendly with a female in a way that is strictly not friendly, he has designs such as yours in mind. I see no reason why you should let that scare you."

_He has a point._

Kiba frowned slightly. "Then I guess all my fussing is for nothing, huh?"

"Guess so." Shikamaru's face was illuminated as the moon escaped its cloud covering. His eyes were open and gleaming oddly. "How's that sister of yours these days, anyway?"

"Fine. Why?"

"Just curious. She's been pretty busy lately. Getting married soon, right?"

Kiba nodded. "Yeah. She's pretty infatuated by this Sho guy. She seems really happy. I just wish she'd bring him around more often, though. I don't know much about him. It makes me worry a little."

A pony-tailed head turned his direction. "Don't trust her happiness much, do you?"

"Well, guys are dogs."

A chuckle in the dimness. "Yeah. You'd know best of all, right?"

Kiba grinned roguishly. "I can only hope."


	2. Stupid Shino

I didn't like this chapter at first, but then it snowballed into something kinda cool.

Disclaimer: I'm too easily tired to own Naruto.

Stupid Shino

_Ah… The sun is so warm and lovely this morning… I don't wanna get up. I think I'll just lay here and… wait…_

Kiba's eyes fluttered open and promptly shut a second later as the warm, lovely sun blazed viciously into them.

"…You've got to be kidding me. Just because you have the ability to sleep anywhere doesn't mean you should use it."

It was Shino's voice.

"Oh, shut up. I didn't mean to." Kiba sat forward, rubbing his lower back. "I came out here to clear my head yesterday and had a chat with Shikamaru. I guess it mellowed me enough to put me out."

"So are you beginning to see how irrational you're being about all this?"

Kiba stood up and peered at the tiny strip of face that exhibited Shino's eyes, the only bit of him to actually be seen (as far as that goes). "Yeah…" He blinked. "…And it just occurred to me now, but how does everyone outside my family know what's going on, anyway? I didn't question Nara last night, but I'm beginning to think I should have."

No expression presented itself on the few inches of his friend's face that were on display to the world. Kiba tried in vain to see what Shino's eyes were doing behind those stupid sunglasses of his.

After a moment of quiet, the bug boy spoke. "I should think it'd be obvious why _I_ would know, unless of course you forgot that we were supposed to meet for training an hour or so ago."

"Given that I have no surgically implanted alarm clocks on my body, yeah, I forgot."

He knew Shino was giving him that look. He couldn't see it (goddamn it), but he _knew_.

"I went to your house to meet you, where your sister informed me that you went out yesterday to think things over and didn't come back. I asked what things you were thinking about and she told me."

Another moment of quiet. Then:

"You're being rather irrational."

Kiba snapped a bit. "Oh, _shut up_. How can _you_ of all people be condescending about matters like this? And I've gotten over the damned irrationality, thank you very little."

"…What do you mean 'me of all people'?"

Kiba scowled fiercely. "I mean that the only real glimpse of _you_ that a girl is gonna get is the inch or so of skin on either side of your glasses. And I guess maybe your nose. But anyway, the point is if you were in my shoes, you'd be having significantly greater problems. Girls don't tend to want to date guys they can't see."

Shino stood there stolidly. "And why not?"

"Well… it could indicate that the guy is a psycho killer or something. Or he may be really ugly. Not that you are, I guess. Psycho or ugly." Kiba scrunched up his face, pulling at memories of the few times he'd actually seen his friend's entire face. "...Yeah, I'll concede that I might bang you if I were a girl, but that's only because I've actually gotten a good look at you. You don't even have personality going for you, man. There is no way a chick would bite if she doesn't know what you look like _and_ if you seem to have no personality to speak of."

"…I'll concede that I'm boring. But you know this very well, and you're still my best friend, so perhaps it doesn't matter as much as you'd think."

Kiba's scowl simmered back down to its original, mildly disgruntled state. "Sure. Right. I'd like to see you pick up a chick before I can. Should we make a bet of it? Since I seem to need to start dating soon, I'm in the market for some easy money."

"…You aren't as adept with women as you think you are. I'm not sure I should be worried."

"Okay, explain to me how you would be able, in reality, to get a girl. I'd love to know."

Shino's monotonous voice took on a teasing tone. "How would _you_? You talk in the big boy voice, but could you carry through in the face of a real, live female? Could you make a girl stay for more than one night?"

Kiba's hackles rose (metaphorically speaking) in an attempt to defend his manliness. Shino wasn't usually this insistent. "Of course I could. How can you even doubt? But, uh, I just want to know how _you_ would get a girl. I'm honestly curious." And he was. In the unlikely event that Shino could hook a live one, Kiba had no doubt she would be in it for reasons spanning beyond what the dog nin normally relied on to reel in ladies (his dashing looks, his rakish wit, etc. etc.).

Shino turned and began to walk away. "It's all in the voice."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that I have a drop-dead sexy baritone, which not only makes girls melt, but might also convey the image of the equally hot body underneath all my layers. Now are we going to train or not?"

Kiba blinked. He hadn't heard Shino say the word 'sexy' once in his entire life, much less in conjunction with 'drop-dead', and very much less when talking about himself. Then he gave what Shino had said a moment's thought.

"…Voices hold that much weight? Hey, wait up! I'm talking to you!"

* * *

"I just feel that you require a bit of counseling, given your ineptitude at drawing the fairer sex." Shino sat calmly on the bench, as if leisurely drinking in the chaos of the market around them. Despite the waning sunlight, it was still as busy as ever.

Kiba glared at him, _had_ _been_ glaring at him for a few hours now. Never before had Shino been so openly critical of the dog ninja as he had that day. All through their training, their breaks… the Aburame must have thought himself some kind of love guru for all the crap he was giving Kiba.

"I don't see why you have to be such an ass about this. I mean, I may not be the sexiest thing on two to four legs, but it's not like I'm _hideous_. Have a little faith, man."

Shino's head rotated his direction. "Do you ever pay attention to anything anyone is saying, much less retain what they tell you? I never said anything about your looks, Kiba. I'm talking about your inability to interact with females for longer than it takes to have sex with them, as we were discussing earlier." There was a tinge of annoyance in his voice.

"Oh, I'm sorry, _sensei_. I didn't realize you were dropping pearls for the swine this morning. In future, I'll pay better attention to the wisdom seeping from your mouth."

Shino just stared at him. Kiba returned the favor. Then the bug boy cleared his throat.

"Friends help friends. And you, my friend, need some help. You're not just looking for a good time anymore, remember?"

"Don't see why I can't still have a few good times before I sign my perpetual bachelorhood away…"

Shino didn't comment on Kiba's pigheadedness. He was busy watching a tall and curvy blonde strolling towards them. Kiba sat back, taking her in appreciatively, as one would a vintage wine or a very expensive painting. He could feel a goofy grin spreading across his face.

This was his girl.

She was completely his type! Her curves were dangerous, just the way Kiba liked them, and he could tell by the way she walked that she knew how to have fun. Her eyes sparked with mischief. Her hair bounced back and forth in its high ponytail, uninhibited and playful, and he knew that's how she was when she was in her element. He just _knew_.

"Hey boys!"

Ouch. Her voice could use some work. He considered how to fix it, tuning out whatever she was talking about. Maybe all it needed was to take a few lessons from her soft, swaying hips and _sloooooooow_ _down_ to a seductive lilt, throw in a low purr or two, and-

"KIBA! Pay attention!" The girl was staring at him exasperatedly. Wait, how did she know his name?

After a few more moments of watching his blank eyes, the girl threw up her hands. "Ugh, whatever. You're so ADD. Make sure he gets the details, okay?"

She directed this at Shino, who sat like a lump, not even so much as nodding in her direction. This was apparently an acceptable response, however, as she proceeded on her way.

Kiba watched her walk off before tearing into Shino. "Now _that_ chick had it going on, so much so that I'm a bit confused as to why you weren't making a move. Where's Mr. Talkative now, huh? He go off and hide once that real live woman decided to show up?" The dog nin shook his head in wonder, completely forgetting his own silence. "I mean, did you notice how spectacular her rack was? And how nicely balanced it was with her bottom half which, I gotta add, looked _delicious_, and-"

Shino stared at him. "What are you talking about, Kiba? That was Ino. Why would I make moves on her?"

Kiba's jaw dropped. "Th-that was Ino? _Seriously_?" He took a moment to soak in the shock.

Shino nodded. "Chouji would be devastated if he knew you were into his girlfriend. I would avoid such fantasies at his party which, by the way, is 'in a week, be there or be square, but whatever you choose to be, be quiet because it's a surprise'."

"…Whassat?"

Shino sighed. "The nonsense Ino was spouting when you were in Lala Land."

"I still can't believe that was Ino. I didn't recognize her at all when she was walking over here."

"Yes. And this is what I mean when I say you have problems paying attention. It isn't just a local issue."

Kiba kneaded his face harshly, groaning.

"Hey, are you okay?"

A soft voice, close by. Kiba removed his hands rapidly, opening his eyes to the welcome sight of a girl he definitely didn't know. A pretty girl. She was watching him with concern written all over her face. Perfect. This seemed like a good enough place for him to start.

"I wouldn't worry much. Idiocy is a sickness, but not one that is quickly fixed. In his case, it may just be terminally hopeless anyway."

Kiba bit back a growl, straining his eyes over at his so-called best friend.

The bug ninja had smoothly intervened in a potentially perfect situation. Right before his eyes, Kiba watched his normally taciturn friend strike up a friendly conversation with this random girl. He continued to watch as Shino worked some sort of magic that made the girl laugh whenever he said something remotely funny, and even sometimes when he was completely serious. Kiba finished his watching session with a nice shot of Shino and the girl walking off to get a coffee.

Then he noticed that he was alone on the bench, and cursed loudly. He'd been duped.

It was then that reality had a brief seizure, resulting in his cursing drawing a random group of girls (a gaggle, if you will) to him like flies to honey. One moment he was all by himself and feeling like an idiot (surprisingly unnatural for him); the next, he was the main attraction for six bubbly babes.

The first one to speak was a pixie-like brunette. "Omigod, is everything okay? Because you totally don't look like everything is okay."

A taller brunette spoke up next. "Didn't you see? His friend just ran off with his girl right in front of him. Of course he isn't okay."

The first girl looked from her friend back to him in shock. "Omigod, really? Omigod, I'm so sorry! Do you need a hug?"

A blonde popped up between them from the back of the horde. "No, silly! What he needs is a night on the town! And hey, we're going to a club right now! You should totally come with us!"

A chorus of agreement followed the blonde's _brilliant_ idea, and Kiba unwittingly agreed. He was still too surprised at this sudden turn of events to fully take in these girls, and here was his mistake.

If he'd been in his right mind, he might've politely declined and gone on home, saving himself a few big headaches, but I guess it's lucky for you readers that he didn't. Otherwise, this story's plot would _never_ have shown up.

* * *

"…so I just told that no-good butthole to get out of my life and that I never wanted to see him again! And he never came back! And I said, 'Good riddance, if I ever see your cheating butt again, I'm going to have my new boyfriend kick it!', but it's really pretty lucky he hasn't come back, because I haven't got a new boyfriend yet!"

The second brunette hadn't been drinking anything but virgin daiquiris all night. This wouldn't have been a problem for Kiba if she hadn't been the type to absorb all the sugar in the damned drink immediately and then proceed to vent the excess energy through her vocal chords.

"So anyway, do you have a girlfriend? If you don't, I'm totally going to ask you out!" She was eyeing him in a way indicating that her question was a poorly disguised and poorly formulated attempt at playful flirting. Kiba, in his alcohol-glazed haze, saw it as more of a direct threat. He knocked back another shot (he'd lost count, not that it mattered; no amount of liquor was enough to drown out that woman) and looked around the bar, pretending he didn't hear. The first brunette was dancing drunkenly between the one blonde and a blue-haired chick nearly twice her size; this was a stroke of good fortune on his side, given that they had shown themselves to be even more thinking-impaired than the chick he was talking to now.

"Hey! Did you hear me? Do you have a girlfriend?" It was the second brunette again. Kiba stared blearily at her.

"Yes actually I do. She's waiting at home for me, I should probably go." It was a wonder he wasn't slurring. Perhaps the girl's stupidity was so intense that it was sucking away the fun buzz alcohol was supposed to give, robbing him of the happier debilitating effects he so wished to be feeling at that moment.

"But wasn't that your girlfriend earlier?"

Kiba's answer was deferred to the first brunette, who was suddenly at the second brunette's side. "That guy stole her, remember? The one earlier?" She giggled and threw her arms around his shoulders. "Hey, why don'tcha stay around with us, stud!"

Kiba stood up, breaking her hold, and turned towards the exit. "Yeah, but I'm sure she's at home waiting for me to show up so she can apologize and what the hell do _you_ want?"

The blonde was at his elbow, bubbling over with one of the less harmful liquors the bar stocked. "Don't leave us! I didn't get a chance to talk with you yet! You're SUCH a hottie, I can't just let you walk. Sasha over there has a bad track record, so you wouldn't want to date her, but I'm a perfect girlfriend! I only ever dump my boyfriends, and they never dump me! Let's talk for a while!"

Kiba pried her fingers from his arm as gently as he could and continued to escape. Miraculously, he made it out the door, but it wasn't a clean getaway. The blonde had gone back and grabbed the second brunette, so now he had two girls on his tail, one champagne-tipsy and one riding a sugar high.

"Don't run away! We'd be soooooooo much better for you than that girl today! Talk with us some more!"

"Yeah, we'd really like to get to know you! You're really sexy! And be honest with yourself, aren't we hot too? This would be a great way to get back at your loser girlfriend!"

"No," Kiba mumbled, not even sure they could hear him, "I love her very much and wouldn't leave her for the world or you and I'm just going home to fix everything now."

He realized belatedly that he didn't want these girls to know where he lived. His eyes shifted left, finding (what luck!) an apartment building. And not just any apartment building- an apartment building with buzzers!

Even as off-kilter as he was, Kiba's mind registered that buzzers were a very good thing. He strode over and groggily punched a button.

Of course, with his mind lagging three or so steps behind his actions, it occurred to him too late that the unknown person he was bothering might not even wake up to get the door. Therein lay another problem: he didn't know _who_ would be answering the door.

If it was a man, he was fucked. But then again, he was pretty fucked as it was, by alcohol and poor choices in strangers to bar-hop with, so perhaps he could pass his awkwardness off as drunkenness.

_It isn't like these girls are smart enough to figure out that I don't really live here._

When the speaker crackled, however, he was in luck once more; the voice coming through the wires was female. It was also a relatively youthful voice, if you overlooked the underlying grouchiness.

"Yeah, what do you want? Make it quick, I'm losing beauty sleep up here."

Kiba cleared his throat, hoping this girl had some male affiliation that might conceivably show up at a time like this.

"Uh, it's me. Lemme up, um, honey. I forgot my key."

The line was silent for a minute. Then: "Who is this?"

Kiba held back a sigh, taking a quick gamble. "It's the head of ANBU, you're under arrest… No, it's me, Kiba, um… dollface?"

The line was silent again for a while. Then, with a frustrated huff on the other end, it went dead. The girls waiting in the street were getting louder with their pleas, and Kiba was about to just start running in a random direction when the door buzzed . It was the most welcome sound in the world. He got it open just in time.

"Sorry girls. Gotta go have lots of makeup sex and stuff. See you never or something."

He shut the door on their whining, and fell back against the cool wood in relief, blinking fuzzily in the dimness.

He was wondering why there were no lights, and came very close to voicing this thought. It came out as "Sex sex sex ha. Sex is a weird word. Word is a weird word. Girls are weird."

The next step was his knees hitting the carpeted floor, followed by the rest of his body. And then he was out.


	3. The Morning After

Disclaimer: I own three pairs of boxers, but own no Naruto to fill them. Which is sad, because one pair is orange checkered. He'd look so cute.

The Morning After

Severe pain. Severe pain and darkness. These were the things Kiba woke up to.

And then he realized that it was only dark because his eyes were closed. He opened them and was treated to a nice bout of shock as he registered his surroundings to be completely alien.

_Where the hell am I?_

He stood up, ready to sneak away, and was completely at fault for the renewed bolt of pain that arrowed through the base of his skull. How had he managed to forget such pain so quickly? Especially since it hadn't really gone away in the first place.

He considered fighting through it until he was hit with a wave of nausea so strong that it knocked him back onto the couch he'd been sprawled on.

"Ugh… I kind of wish I could die right now…" He mumbled uselessly into the crook of his arm.

"And I kind of want to kill you, so maybe we could work something out."

A too-loud voice approached his ears and proceeded to box them inside out. The nausea increased.

A sigh. "If you're going to be sick again, raise a hand."

Kiba's hand shot up in the air. It was grasped firmly, and he found himself yanked up and dragged down a hallway. His knees gave out relatively quickly, as his concentration favored keeping his stomach under control rather than his joints, but they hit cool tile. He managed to crawl the two steps left to the toilet, and then proceeded to empty the contents of his stomach in as dignified a manner as he could.

After all, the someone that had dragged him in there was still standing behind him. Bugger if he knew why he cared.

Finally, his stomach calmed, and he was able to stand up (by himself) to look at the person who had helped him.

A somewhat peeved Haruno Sakura was leaning in the doorway. The pain in Kiba's head counteracted her glare, allowing him to avoid flinching and other sorts of submissive facial expressions. Rather than show on his face, all the dread he was feeling decided to pool coldly in his stomach.

_Shit_.

Sakura cleared her throat pointedly, eyes tired and ever so slightly malicious. Kiba quickly turned to the sink and rinsed his mouth out.

Sakura leaned more heavily on her shoulder, letting out an attention-getting huff. Kiba rinsed his mouth a second and third time.

Sakura gave a very irked sigh. Kiba ran his fingers through his hair a few times, watching himself in the mirror.

Sakura began to growl.

Kiba knew he was pushing it, but he was frantically trying to come up with a plan. The most logical thing to do would be to stop being an asshole and simply apologize for whatever other grief he'd put her through in the night. He remembered well the many times he'd seen her extreme strength demonstrated, not to mention all the displays of her temper on Naruto and Sai, the boys who made up the new Team 7. Unfortunately, her growling was sending fear crawling up his spine, effectively blocking logic of any sort from his mind.

It was also kinda hot, he realized.

_Hmm. Make note to find a girl who growls…_

"You're going to have to explain yourself eventually, dog boy, and isn't sooner always better than later?"

Kiba turned halfway around, watching her from under his strategically finger-combed bangs. Her eyes softened the slightest bit at the pout he was giving her.

"Oh, come on. I'm pissed, but I won't really kill you. Could you just explain why exactly I was called downstairs at 3:00 AM to find your sorry ass passed out in the entry hall?"

Kiba rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, injecting as much charm into his grin as he could. "Ah, that's a pretty long story, really. I wouldn't want to bore you too much with the details, so if we could just forget all this happened, that'd…"

The look she was giving him indicated that, unless he managed to explain himself convincingly in ten minutes, he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

"It just so happens I'm free for most of the day. How about you enlighten me, Kiba dear?"

_Goddamn it._

* * *

Kiba turned his teacup in his hands, frowning slightly. As promised, he'd told Sakura his troubles from the very beginning. She hadn't said anything the whole time he was speaking, just nodded occasionally, and now that he was done, she was just rummaging through her cabinets. He wondered at the silence, but didn't really want to ask; her mood didn't seem to have lifted.

_Understandably so, I guess… Man, she's making me feel like a real jerk. All I did was wake her up at an abnormal time. _He thought back over the few things she'd said to him. …_I think…_

Kiba swallowed nervously. "Uh, I wasn't _too_ much trouble, was I? I mean, I'm still really sorry about waking you up, but if I broke anything or made a mess you haven't pointed out to me yet, I'll gladly pay you back or clean up or whatever."

Sakura turned away from what looked like potential breakfast. "What? Oh, you didn't break anything. You _were_ sick, but luckily that was on the steps going up to the third floor."

Kiba winced. "Oh. Well, that's good."

"Definitely. The landlady is going to love it."

Kiba ducked his head to hide a sheepish little smile. _Oops… But at least she's not angry._

Sakura grinned a little at his discomfort, busying herself with the food once more. "Don't feel so bad. This has been an interesting turn of events in my otherwise boring week. Sure, it isn't quite as welcome as a bunch of other happenings I could think of, but it's better than nothing, right?"

Her smile was unassuming and kind, if not a little weary. Kiba was surprised.

"And I can't really blame you. Those girls sounded…" Her face twisted as she tried to come up with a suitable adjective.

"Yeah…" Kiba smiled, finally able to relax, "I'm still a bit amazed that my crappy drunken acting was enough to throw them off."

"Well, they sounded just a tad more cognizant than your average two-year-old, so it really isn't that much of a shocker." Sakura returned to the table with a bowl of soup for each of them and a plate of buttered toast. "I haven't been able to resupply my pantry recently, so there are few edible things around. Hope you like tomato."

"Sweet." Kiba licked his lips, attacking his bowl as his regular beastly self came out of hiding. The threat of Sakura's temper had caused it to cower for a while, but now that her wrath was no more, the coast was clear for its reentry into the world.

And boy, was it hungry.

Sakura watched him, a look of slightly repulsed intrigue on her face. Kiba stopped slurping momentarily to look at her. "What?"

She shook her head. "Just wondering how you manage to eat in such a way that sounds awfully messy but isn't." She wiped her hand on the table around his bowl, shaking her head again. "Not a drop of soup astray. Astounding."

Kiba narrowed his eyes at her. "Are you making fun of me?"

Green eyes met his brown ones for a moment. "Huh? No."

Hmm. There was something funny about the way she broke his gaze. She was even blushing a little. Was she lying? His response was to narrow his eyes further, sitting a bit lower in his seat.

"So I disgust you, then?"

Her eyes found his again, but held their ground this time. Maybe it was the wry smirk that accompanied them that gave them courage.

"Disgusted? Please. _Naruto's_ my teammate, for God's sake. It takes quite an effort to be on par with that boy." She propped her arms over the back of her chair. "And I'm sorry to inform you, but you aren't even close."

Then she frowned a little, thinking. "Though I have to say, that was some impressive projectile vomiting last night. You might have Naruto beat in that category."

Kiba blanched, staring at her in confusion. Since when did girls (that weren't his sister) talk like that? Sakura gave him a look right back, as if to say _what the hell is _your_ problem?_

"What, did you forget I was the one taking care of you?"

"No. You just sounded like a guy, the way you said that." Maybe he was just too used to Hinata's quiet mannerisms. He needed to get out more.

She chuckled, watching him lazily. "Isn't it to be expected?" Kiba quirked an eyebrow at this.

"How so?"

She sat forward, counting the reasons on her fingers. "A, my teammates are all male. This is a relatively normal occurrence. B, however, is that Naruto is one of them, which is reason enough for me to be like this, given that he's the teammate I'm closest to."

She had a point. Kiba knew himself well enough to admit that he was somewhat of a dunderhead, not to mention lewd, rude, and full of testosterone. Naruto was very much like Kiba in this respect. This was why Kiba got along so well with Naruto. It was also why they beat each other up so much for no apparent reason.

"C, my other teammate is Sai, which is unconsciously making me into a man, given how often I have to beat him."

Ah yes, Sai. New guy. Not very talkative, but funny when he opened his mouth. Insulting, certainly, but funny.

"D, Sasuke was once a teammate of mine, and though you wouldn't have known it by looking at him, he was almost exactly like Naruto. He was just better at hiding it most of the time."

Sasuke. Kiba held back a hiss of displeasure. He'd almost died for that useless bastard. Hell, he'd almost died by his own damn hands, no thanks to those body-invading Sound ninjas. And they had failed in retrieving the boy in the end, to add insult to injury.

_Dick_.

Sakura was still thinking, kicking her legs up and down like a little kid.

"Aaaaaaaaand… I can't think of anything else. Oh! Well, I guess E could be that my most recent sensei is one of the most butch women around."

Such a loaded statement said so brightly. Nice.

Kiba chuckled quietly. _She is such a guy._

"Okay, I surrender to your viewpoint. Are those balls between your legs or aren't they?" Kiba grinned widely at the pink-haired girl. He was only slightly taken aback when she gave him a playful flick on the nose.

"_Anyway_… how about we stop talking about what's not between my legs and focus on what's not on your chest?"

Mind still in the vein of his previous comment, Kiba answered without thinking. "Breasts?"

"Uh, no. Try a shirt."

Kiba looked down at his chest and saw bare skin in place of the t-shirt he'd had on earlier. He looked back up at Sakura in confusion. She was calmly clearing the table.

"Uh, did I remove it myself or what? Where is it?"

"It's in the wash, since you didn't quite manage to project all of your sick onto the wall as I carried you upstairs. Are there any objections to me running by your house to fetch you something else to wear for the time being? My dryer is old and slow. Besides, I have some errands I need to run. I can just add this to the list."

Kiba, ignoring most of her statement, stood and struck a manly pose. "Ha! But I am a MAN, and real men don't need shirts just to walk home. Frankly, I don't think I need a shirt at all, but common courtesy calls for it." He winked at her, sticking his tongue out for good measure.

She snorted in response. "Whatever, manly man. I'm going to put some proper clothes on, and then go find some for you. Shouldn't take me too long."

Kiba abruptly noticed that Sakura was wearing cutesy girl pajamas consisting of a tank and flannelly pants. They had pink rabbits on them. But this was all beside the point.

"What, you'd be ashamed if I walked out of your apartment building half-naked? I'm not _that_ bad."

Sakura gave him a look. "It's not that I'd be ashamed, just that I'd rather avoid gossipmongers. I'm sure you could say the same."

"Well, actually," Kiba grumbled, "if Shino was walking by, it'd make things easier to rub in his face if I just _happened_ to forget something at a girl's place where I _spent the night_. I never stay, so that'd really stick it to him good…" Belatedly, he realized that he'd kind of just proven everyone's speculations about him correct. He also realized that, as a girl herself, Sakura might not appreciate that kind of blatant womanizing. And Sakura's bad side was a scary place to be.

Sakura, however, took it in stride and grinned. "Yeah, that would get him, wouldn't it? Oh well. You can still tell him you spent the night here. I'll even back it up if you want."

Kiba looked at her strangely. "You won't let me leave in a falsely promiscuous way, but you have no problem halfway advertising your own false promiscuity?"

"Well, it wouldn't be a lie. It just wouldn't be the full truth either. Well, okay, those few who would take it the wrong way and spread it like butter would get the full truth. Ino, for example, would get all the details, but Shino can have the edited version. He's quiet."

Kiba still felt like he had somehow slipped the noose. He never would have imagined that Sakura could be about anything but girl power and rampant feminism; either she was too tired to understand his implication or she genuinely didn't care.

His answer came when she shrugged and gave a carefree little smile. "If you do go through with that plan of action, though, just let me know. It'd suck to outline a prank and then not actually be in on it."

"Prank?"

Sakura gave him a 'pity the idiot' look. "Um, yeah, since we're not actually together? Come on, Kiba, I know you're extremely hung over, but I didn't think you were _that_ bad off."

Kiba chuckled half-heartedly. "Right. Not together. Lost track of the conversation for a minute there."

"…Like I said, what kind of booze were you drinking that could make you forget your usual nature?"

Ah. There it was. How could he forget that he _just didn't do relationships_? How could he forget that it was _just his nature_ to love 'em and leave 'em very shortly after the loving was done? Even the people who called themselves his friends and family couldn't picture him any other way.

_Am I _really_ that much of a whore? I really need to start paying better attention._

Sakura had been watching him as he processed this suddenly hard-to-swallow concept, and was now leaning against the counter pursing her lips like a psychologist might behind the back of a particularly dense client. Kiba found himself glaring at her. He had some stuff to work on, yes, but it was extremely grating that everyone around him seemed to think he genuinely had a problem, as if no one else his age was having lots of casual sex.

"What's that look for? I'm not some kind of perverted fiend. Why is everyone so down on my enjoying life? It's not that serious."

Sakura tapped a finger against her mouth. "Kiba, outside of Hinata, Ino, myself, your sister, your mother, and Kurenai-sensei, how many girls do you interact with on a friendly basis?"

"Not that many, but I don't see what the big deal is about that. I'm just better at being friends with guys." He was glad he had left the unabashed ogling of Ino out of the telling of events. It really wouldn't have helped his case any.

_Not that I still don't get what's wrong with just being a guy. I kind of hate society sometimes._

"Okay… so does that mean you find me unattractive?"

Kiba froze. He recognized a loaded question when he heard one. But before he could even try to back himself out of the metaphorical corner, Sakura removed the metaphor altogether.

"I'm not trying to trick you or anything. It's just that if you find me attractive, or rather, attractive enough to potentially have sex with, I don't understand why you're having issues."

Kiba's brain could not keep up. It didn't help that she _was_ attractive and had mentioned sex. "I, uh... um, yeah, you're pretty hot, but... what do you mean?"

"I _mean_ that your problem is a non-problem. If you find me attractive enough to screw but are still able to converse with me like a normal human being, like you've been doing since you woke up, I don't see why you couldn't duplicate this atmosphere with another girl if you wanted."

Kiba's brain mercifully cottoned on to her point. It was a _really good one_.

"…Huh."

Because… Well, just because. It made perfect sense.

Sakura shook her head and moved towards her bedroom. Hopefully he didn't need any more help processing her words; she'd been kind of hoping to get to the market sometime that week.

* * *

Sakura riffled through her closet; a certain pair of pants she'd been looking for for weeks continued to elude her.

_Shame… Those were some really great pants._

Humming tunelessly, she shrugged off the loss and pulled an old pair of shorts out, throwing them onto the mess of sheets that was her bed. Truthfully, she was grateful to Kiba for showing up when he did; he'd managed to rescue her from a horrible nightmare, and had kept her busy enough the rest of the night that she couldn't be bothered to think about it till now.

She didn't remember exactly what had been going on in her nightmare, though she did recall a humongous python. It had wrapped itself around her, squeezing so tight she could barely move. It had kept her still and forced her to sit through some torture…oh, what had it been? Nothing conventional, but terrible at the time.

Sakura twisted her lips into some variation of a frown while she struggled to remember. What was it? It had made her absolutely nuts, but that was all that came to her.

Getting dressed did not help her memory. Neither did her usual grooming regime.

_Ugh, this is going to bother me all day. Great._

She walked into the kitchen to find a significantly less clothed Kiba stretched out across the table eating a…

"BANANA!" Sakura cried out triumphantly. She remembered now. There had been a banana on a stage in a top hat and spats. And it sang and danced. And danced and sang. And then danced some more. And shrilled its horrible little song. And then had continued to dance until she felt like screaming.

_That would drive anyone crazy. Friggin' fruit. _She shook the image forcibly from her head; the human brain was truly magnificent in its ability to be disturbed by just about anything, given the right inclination. _Maybe I should ask Shishou to interpret my dreams. Maybe they're saying I need a vacation._

Satisfied, Sakura turned her full attention to the boy still lounging on her table in all his nearly naked glory, who had risen up on one elbow and was now staring at her strangely.

"Um, what the hell was that about? Spastic much?" Kiba took another bite of his snack, chewing suspiciously. Sakura's brain got itself up to speed with the details of the situation.

"I could ask the same of you. Where are your pants?"

"Oh. Well, uh, I tried to make coffee, but the contents of the pot kind of transported itself from the pot to my pants." Kiba grinned, sitting up gingerly. One boxer leg was hiked up, revealing a raw patch of skin. "Don't worry, though. I managed to keep the stain localized to my clothing. And right after it happened, your washing machine dinged, so I scrubbed my pants in the sink and stuck everything in the drier." Another contemplative bite. "Really the only unfortunate part of this for you is that I decided not to go commando yesterday."

Sakura immediately ran into her teeny laundry room to see if there were any survivors. Kiba was a very capable ninja, but she wasn't sure she could trust him with a task so domestic as working a drier.

"Oh, come on. I admit I'm no genius, but I'm smart enough to know how to properly use _laundry_ _machines_." He had followed her.

"Just checking." Sakura smoothed her hair back. "I suppose you could have left without your shirt, but you're officially grounded now. Can you promise me I'll still have an apartment to come back to if I leave you alone for three hours?"

"Sort of. I mean, I can't promise what state it'll be in, but I can at least assure you that the building itself will be intact."

"Yeah, fine. Whatever. I'll be back soon. Oh, and if you got burned by the strategically placed coffee, there's some burn cream in the cabinet over the bathroom sink."

Kiba nodded and made his way back to the kitchen. Sakura forced herself to walk out the door. She couldn't consciously think of a reason why she should be worried, but…

"Wait! Sakura!" Kiba caught her at the top of the stairs. "I was just wondering…"

She looked at him expectantly.

A rascally grin spread across his face. "Am I allowed to use the microwave without supervision?"

"Yeah, sure." Sakura sighed, then glanced around at the sound of another door opening. It was the little old lady down the hall, Mrs. Shizuka, also on her way to the market no doubt. She got an eyeful of a nicely muscled boy in his skivvies who waved cheerily at her, then retreated into the apartment that just happened to be Miss Haruno Sakura's.

Sakura bit her tongue, gave a small wave of her own, and scurried off.


	4. Funny How Things Happen

Well, this chapter is very silly. But this whole fic is kind of silly, so what can I say? I like it. It's fun to write.

Funny How Things Happen

Kiba soon tired of the kitchen. The table was hardly comfortable, especially with a large couch sitting useless in the living room. He'd slept on it, clearly it was comfortable enough.

So he changed locations.

Unfortunately, he soon found himself equally unsatisfied with the couch. Maybe it was because all he was doing was lying around.

So he picked up a nearby magazine, _Konoha Home and Garden_.

_What? She lives in an apartment. What the hell does she read this for?_ He flipped through it briefly. _Oh, interiors, right._

Wallpaper designs held no interest for Kiba. He skimmed some of the articles anyway, mostly because he was reluctant to go snooping through her apartment for better things to do. Even with his limited knowledge of females, he knew girls hated that.

It took another half hour before Kiba stopped caring.

"I guess I would like some of that burn cream after all."

The apartment didn't respond.

Therefore Kiba felt even better about strolling into the bathroom and beginning to go through her stuff, which consisted mostly of medical supplies.

He ignored the tampons (typical female hygienic accessory) and barely skimmed the assorted pill bottles and ointments. Kiba was not one to be interested in drugs; his sister was a medic herself. She had a closet full of remedies in all shapes and sizes, with which she healed Kiba's ever-present injuries, as well as those of their dogs and other members of their tight-knit clan.

His eyes widened when he spied a box of condoms.

_Check it out. Guess Sakura isn't the goody two shoes I always thought she was… Or she _is_, she's just very well prepared regardless. _He scanned the box.

"'Ribbed for her pleasure'. Ewwwwww…"

He snickered and dropped them back into the drawer from whence they came, attention span already spent. The burn cream was sitting on the bottom shelf of the cabinet he'd left open. Hooray! Relief.

He took up 15 more minutes of boredom by rubbing the cool salve into his skin. But there was really only so much of the stuff you could put on before it stopped absorbing.

Kiba splayed out on the couch once more. _Geez. Why doesn't she have a TV? Or books? Maybe in her room…_

He popped his head over the back of the couch, peering down the hall at the door that sealed behind it a world of mystery, peril, and (probably) pink. He then vaulted over the couch, tiptoeing closer (no one around to hear but hey, you make your own fun) until he was finally close enough to swing the door open and step cautiously across the threshold of the danger zone.

A surprising amount of blue filled the room, mingled with the tiniest hints of rose and that sort of dusky purple… maude, mauve, mavis? Unexpected. He kept his wits about him, though, not allowing this odd color scheme to sway his caution. A girl's bedroom was nothing to be trifled with; he knew personally, having been taught time and time again just what 'KEEP OUT, NO BOYS ALLOWED' meant by his sister.

Still… Sakura wasn't here. And he was bored. And it was _her_ stupid coffee pot that had decided to pour itself all over his pants. And it was because he had no pants that he couldn't leave. He would have borrowed a pair of Sakura's, but she was much more hippy than he; it would not be a proper fit, and saints be damned if he would be caught wearing a girl's pants.

By this string of logic, he had every right.

* * *

Sakura hummed to herself as she hurried towards the Inuzuka compound; she would soon be finished with the quest for clothing, which meant that Kiba could leave and she could enjoy this sudden break she'd caught.

Her dear shishou had dismissed her immediately after hearing about the rough night Sakura had had, stating that a tired medic was useful only on the battlefield, or any other time that resting was considered a commodity. Of course, Sakura knew better than to think that this had much of anything to do with her own condition… Tsunade was just having too rough a _morning_ to bother with any kind of sensible business before 5:00 in the afternoon.

_I keep telling her to limit her drinking when she knows she has things to do the next day, which is just about _every_ day, but does she listen to _me_? Psh._

Still, it wasn't like she could really complain. Free days were few and far between. Sure, Kiba was intruding on this bounty, but not for long.

The main house of the Inuzuka clan appeared on the horizon, and she sped into a trot, almost tripping into the door when she arrived. Thankfully, no one was around, so she was able to recover gracefully. She would have knocked, but the door opened before she could get to it. Kiba's mother stood there, clearly on her way out.

"Ah! Can I help you?" Tsume scrutinized the pink-haired girl suspiciously. "You're not selling anything, are you?"

Sakura held up her hands. "No, I'm afraid not. I'm a friend of—"

"Oh, say no more, say no more! I didn't recognize you, but hell, I hardly know any of my daughters' friends these days. Anyway, she's in her room. I would welcome you more properly to our humble abode, but I'm running later than usual. Maybe next time!" Kiba's mother had already moved past Sakura when she turned back around. "Oh, and see if you can get her to eat something, would you? I don't know if it's just lingering morning sickness or what, but she won't even _look_ at anything edible."

She jogged away, flapping a hand in farewell. Sakura waved dazedly back. She felt awkward, but it was unnecessary; she had the mother's approval to invade the house, and surely Kiba's sister would know where to find his wardrobe.

_And my medical skills might get some use today after all… _

* * *

Hana didn't bother getting up when she heard her door being knocked on.

"I told you, Mother, I'm not hungry! Seriously, if you bring me one more steak, I'm going to paint your face with its juice!"

"Um, gross. I'd rather you didn't."

Hana opened her eyes slowly and sat up. The person at the door was a stranger with pink hair and green eyes.

"And who the hell might you be?"

The girl flushed. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Haruno Sakura, a friend of Kiba's. I need one of his shirts to bring back." With an inquiring look from Hana, she began to babble. "See, he had to stay at my apartment last night due to, er, unforeseen circumstances, and the shirt he had on yesterday got…dirty, so I put it in the wash, but he continues to systematically dirty the clothes that weren't that way previously and it's just getting a little out of hand." She finished and took a deep breath.

Hana blinked. "…Okay. Are you implying that my brother went on a drinking binge and for once didn't manage to throw up on all of his clothing?"

Sakura rubbed the back of her head, giving way to a pained grin. "I guess I'm just lucky? But he also dumped coffee on himself, so I need pants too."

Hana would have laughed if she didn't think that would negatively affect her gag reflex. "Sounds like my brother, all right. Quite a handful, isn't he?"

"That'd be one word for it… It's not like I have a real problem with him waiting around for the laundry to be done, but I'm not exactly used to having guys lounging around my place with very little clothing on. Well, guys who aren't Naruto."

Then she had to stop and think about that for a minute because, all things considered, she should have been pretty damn used to being around semi-nude males period. She _was_ a medic, after all. It was kind of strange that Kiba bothered her at all. The Naruto singularity made the discomfort caused by Kiba even sillier, considering that one of Naruto's higher levels of drunkenness consisted of just straight up being naked.

"Yes…" Hana mused, leaning in the doorway and waiting for Sakura to come back to the world, "Quite distracting, aren't they?"

The girl swallowed a blush as she skirted past into the hall. Hana held back a chuckle.

Sakura cleared her throat. She felt nervous for some reason, and attributed it to her usual desire for respect, something she suspected this formidable clan did not give out freely. Tsunade constantly reminded her that it was pointless kowtowing to everyone, but Sakura maintained that a wide spread of respect was highly effective. The Fifth was just lucky she was talented enough that her drinking and gambling didn't get in the way of most people's admiration... "So what's this about you not eating? Your mother seemed to think that as a friend of yours, I could persuade you, but seeing as how this is the first time we've met, I don't think that would go down so well. I _am_ a medic, though, so I'm happy to help if you want me to."

"I dabble in medicine myself, actually," Hana cracked a grin, seeing Sakura blanch a little, "…but seeing as how I'm not conventionally trained, you would probably have a bit more perspective on the matter." She rested a careful hand on her stomach. "As you and anyone from up to 100 miles away can see, I'm pregnant. But I ought to be way past the morning sickness stage, and yet I've felt sick since yesterday for no real reason. This obviously rings a small alarm bell in my head and sends my mother up the wall. _Grand_mothers… " The woman rolled her eyes. "I've been thinking it's just a touch of the flu, but I haven't really eaten anything since yesterday and my mother can't stand it when I don't eat. It all comes back up, though, so I just decided to stop."

Sakura frowned. "There _has_ been a virus going around, so this is probably just a 24-hour thing… Still, I should examine you on the off-chance that it's more serious. Wouldn't want to give the grandmother more to worry about than she needs."

"Sure, thanks. You're all right, Sakura, you know that?" Hana smiled, then abruptly kicked a door open, stunning her impromptu guest into a brief cardiac arrest. "This is Kiba's room. Shirts are in the bureau, pants are in the closet." She held a hand to her mouth. "Ugh, moved too quickly. I think I'm going to be sick again. Excuse me a moment."

As Hana fled the scene, a wet nose bumped Sakura's hand. She looked down (though not that far) to see Kiba's monstrous pooch leaning into her legs like a giant furry boulder. She smiled and scratched behind his ears.

"Hey, Akamaru. What's going on? Are you guarding your boy's room?" She glanced around the surprisingly large space. "Maybe I should wait for Hana… You wouldn't take too kindly to some strange girl looking through Kiba's stuff, would you?"

"I don't really care either way. And he's pretty shameless, so I don't think he would either."

Sakura jumped a little. "Wow. I didn't know you were talking."

Akamaru eyed her. "Have been for a while now. But it's not like we see you very often these days, so it makes sense that you wouldn't know." He nudged his head against her hip, demanding more pets.

Sakura complied. "Yeah, I suppose." The peace was interrupted by a series of heaves echoing down the hall. Girl and dog looked at each other for a moment.

"How about you pick out a new outfit for your boy while I go check on Hana?" An affirmative bark later, Sakura was following the sound of Hana's groans. She found her in a spacious bathroom, reclining against the bathtub and gripping the toilet bowl rim like a lifeline.

"So hungry… but so sick… feel crappy too long… want Sho…"

"It's a good sign that you're hungry, but you're too pale. Who's Sho?" Sakura felt Hana's forehead for a temperature, watching her kindly.

"He's my fiancée and he's been gone on a mission for two weeks now. I miss him. He's always gone. Thank goodness the mission ends in a week. I can get my fix again." The woman grinned, head lolling somewhat contentedly, despite her state.

Sakura smiled. "I'm happy for you."

Hana was about to say something, but paused when Akamaru padded in, jaws full of clothing.

"What's this? You made _Akamaru_ pick stuff out? That's no fun." A sly smirk spread across the woman's face. "Or did you really not want to snoop? My leaving was full permission to."

Sakura's smile was a bit strangled. "I try not to do unto others too much more than I would want done unto me." But her shifty mind belied her true nosy nature:_ you were leaving to go throw up. What if you'd come back? I can't read your secret signals. _Of course_ I would have snooped. I just didn't want any kind of awkwardness with someone's relatively unknown sister._

Then she noticed Hana shaking her head.

"Huh. Well, if that's your response, you must not know my brother very well…"

* * *

_Dude, this diary is ancient. It's still all about Dickhead Uchiha… but wow, did she ever take good notes._

Kiba shook his head and dropped the journal back into the box. There were a few others in there, which he flipped through, but they all dated back to the Age of Sasuke, which the dog ninja had absolutely zero interest in. There was, however, a definite drop-off point in Sakura's journal writing around the time Sasuke disappeared for good. It made sense, but lack of secrets to sneaky peek at made for a really fucking dull afternoon.

…_Well duh. Why would she keep a current diary in a box in her closet? That'd more likely be in a bedside table or a desk or something._

So Kiba checked. Bingo on the bedside table. He opened it to a random page.

January 14

This really sucks. REALLY sucks. I know it's only because it's winter, but the fact that I'm alone is continually driven home these days. Not that I'm not happy for Ino-pig. I mean, Chouji is a perfect match for her; they're so cute together! But I want my own perfect match. I'd even settle for a semi-perfect match. Hell, even just a match at this point would probably make my year. I just want a warm body, some arms and some lips, hopefully some sort of brain to spark (at the least) semi-intellectual conversation. And it couldn't hurt to be funny. Tall is good. I don't know. I don't want to be too picky because then I'll never find anyone. Argh. Damn my perfectionism. But in the same vein, if I'm not picky, I'll end up with some loser who won't make me happy. This conundrum… you know what it does? It SUCKS.

"Well. Looks like we have a little Lonely Hearts Club going on here." Kiba flipped to a new page, but abruptly slammed the book shut, shoving it back in its drawer. With a few running steps and a flying leap, he made it to the couch just as Sakura walked in the door.

"Hey there, doll. What's going on?"

Kiba couldn't have been more thankful for his good hearing, not to mention his sensitive nose. After all, he'd smelled her before he even heard her feet on the stairs. She smelled nice, somewhat of a mix of fresh grass and something flowery; very fresh, very clean, and easy enough to distinguish in the mess of scents that resonated from the rest of the building. She'd smelled so nice, in fact, that he forgot how dead she would kill him if she found him rooting through her stuff, hence the hasty employment of his top-rate ninja skills as Fists O' Death arrived at her door.

She didn't seem to have noticed that he hadn't been sitting on the couch the entire time she was gone. He hoped things would continue in this way. Being very concerned with his current train of thought (going round and round its track of _Sakura's diary...Sakura...death...SO DEAD...worth it?...hurr hurr secrets_ etc. etc.), he failed to notice that she threw something at him. Clothing hit him square in the face with a satisfying _thwack._

"Let's try to keep _these_ garments clean and wearable, hmm?" Sakura eyed him for a moment before striding into the kitchen.

"What on earth are you talking about? Did you not notice the gorgeously tanned skin I've covered myself with?"

He could almost hear her rolling her eyes. "Yes, actually, and I'm so glad you've kept your organs covered. Even though I'm a doctor, I still can't help but blush whenever I see so much as a kidney."

"You know you love it!" Kiba yelled, but put the clothes on anyway. Then he meandered into the kitchen and popped up onto the counter where Sakura was making herself a cup of tea. "So, all clear at the office?"

"Oh, you know Shishou…" Sakura chuckled a little. Kiba stared blankly at her. Sakura blinked back for a second.

"You know," she said, "you really are remarkably similar to Naruto."

Kiba pulled a face. "Is that a compliment or an insult?"

"It's a fact."

Kiba shrugged. "I guess. Anyway, what's this about Shishou?"

"Just that she drinks like a fish, and at every inappropriate time she can find. And she never eats enough beforehand, so her hangovers are always awful. She just couldn't handle the world today, or rather, handle teaching me how to cure flesh-eating viruses, so I came home."

"But… you know how to fix headaches and stuff, right? Don't you think it would have been nice to give your old Shishou a break?" Kiba ruminated on this for a second. "Hey, what the hell! You could have put _me_ right hours ago!"

Sakura seemed wholly unmoved by the dog nin's outrage. "Sorry, Tsunade-sama has already hardened me against the plight of the morning after. And even if she hadn't, I don't see much of a reason to ease the pain of stupid behavior."

"Well fine." Kiba sulked at her a little bit and considered stealing her tea. "What now, then?"

Sakura gave him a baleful look. "I don't know. I was kind of hoping you would be leaving soon."

"…Are you saying you want some alone time?"

"Solitude may be a foreign concept to you, but some people enjoy it regularly."

Kiba barked out a laugh. "Oh come on, you don't want me hanging around? Why not? You're alone all the time. What's wrong with a bit of company?"

Sakura's back stiffened the slightest bit, her eyes turning a bit steely. Kiba took a few moments to think about what he'd just said, then banged his head on the cabinet behind him in frustration.

_So, what have I been saying about paying attention? I need a speech filter or something._

"I-I really didn't mean it like that. I mean, you just sounded like a girl who lives by herself and has come to, er, appreciate that fact. And you're right about me not understanding, because the Inuzuka clan is a pack by nature and I've always had a relative nearby, human or animal, and when I was five I got Akamaru so I was never alone, but we're a pack like I said and that's all relatively natural for us and…" Sakura was watching him quietly. On the upside, one corner of her mouth was beginning to quirk up. Kiba took a breath and closed his mouth.

"You want to get a girl? Here's a tip: don't joke about things that might not normally be funny unless the girl seems to be taking light of it herself." The pink-haired girl scratched an itch on her neck. "Not that I took any real offense to what you said or anything. You sounded a lot like Ino, to be honest. And my default response to that pig is annoyance, so."

Kiba wondered if he would be allowed to comment on the oddity of persisting in calling her best friend a pig after all these years, but thought better of it. It was probably just some weird female love-hate ritual anyway, which had shit-all to do with him. Oop, back to the present, Sakura was talking again.

"-not really the way you use your words, but your tone, if anything. Just try not to be so… _flippant_ all the time." Good. She hadn't noticed that he'd spaced out. _Safe_.

Odd word to use, though. "Flippant?"

"If I were majorly in Girl Mode right now, I would have taken what you said to mean that I was alone because I had no other choice, because no one else wanted to be with me."

"That wasn't wh-"

The pink-haired girl held up a hand. "I _know_ it wasn't what you meant, but female brains operate on a completely different frequency than male brains. Just register this simple fact and you'll already be way better off."

Unsaid as it was, Kiba still heard the _you poor stupid bastard_ Sakura left out. He gave her one of his patented Looks, specifically the Look he reserved to share with Shino on the rare occasions when the bug inn acted like a douche. "Okay, so now I'll forever know that I automatically sound like a dick to women. Gotcha."

"I would say you talk more out of your ass than any other part of your body, but suit yourself. Careless observations, or answering a loaded question such as 'does this make me look fat?' truthfully, regardless of whether you, as her man, care about the answer, can make or break a girl's mood. Rarely do girls bother to remember that if a man is with them, he obviously likes them as they are, be they fat or thin, blonde or brunette, whatever."

Kiba could concede that the pinkette had a point. Still, _she_ could use a little work on her phrasing too, not that Kiba was actually stupid enough to complain for the sake of his ego. Poor thing was already black and blue, it didn't need chakra scalpel stab wounds on top of everything.

He contemplated the kunoichi, scanning her form out the corner of his eye as she sipped her tea. It was pretty surprising that she didn't have guys all over her. She was certainly a tough contender, but Kiba would have figured that her straightforward attitude and strange lucidity about her own female…ness would have been more than enough incentive for the male population to find her appealing.

Not to mention she was pretty much a babe. There was just no denying an attractive lady as far as Kiba was concerned, even if she could (and probably would) rip out your femur and beat you with it. Hell, for an ass like that, a guy might even be _willing_ to give up a few limbs.

It was at this moment that the phone chose to ring, startling Kiba from his increasingly more disturbing thoughts. He was closer to the handset than Sakura and grabbed the receiver without thinking, despite her attempts at telling him not to with a mouth full of liquid.

"Hello? No, she's unavailable at the moment, sorry." He wasn't lying; Sakura was now choking on the tea she had mistakenly tried to talk through. "I see. I'll tell her first thing. 'Kay, bye."

Spluttering, Sakura managed a "Who was it?"

"It was the hospital. A team just arrived with severe injuries, and it appears the ICU is intensely understaffed today. So they wanted to know if you could come in and save the day."

The woman was already out the door. Kiba lurked around the kitchen for a moment, eyeing her half-finished cup of tea (which he promptly chugged), and followed.

* * *

Anyone who catches the Wayne's World reference gets extra special lovin'. REVISED AND ALL THAT GOODNESS.


	5. A Regular Idiot

ALL BETTER NOW, SO THAT'S GOOD, ISN'T IT? LOVELY WEATHER WE'RE HAVING.

Insert witty denial of ownership here.

A Regular Idiot

Sakura slid through the ICU doors exactly five minutes after they had called– a new record.

"What and which room?" This was directed at a hassled nurse who happened to be hauling a bunch of bloody sheets somewhere just as Sakura arrived. The woman pointed, intoning "I don't know but it's a gusher", and resumed her task.

Rushing into the indicated room (hardly indicated by the nurse, more so by the flurry of other medical personnel who were doing a poor job of handling such an emergency), Sakura took over.

"I need gloves and some scrubs stat please, and can someone please tell me why no one is bothering to try and staunch the bleeding?" She halfway concentrated on not slipping on the slick floor as she approached the patient, eyes trying to make sense of what was in front of them. The man's torso looked like someone had removed it, stuck it in a food processor, then sewed him back together poorly. He was bleeding from numerous locations, some wounds spurting as he twitched involuntarily. She reached the bed and immediately stuck her fingers in him.

In, because there wasn't enough outer surface to put her fingers _on.._. Her mind ignored this unnecessary information in favor of working through reasons for the twitching. He had lost so much blood already that he ought to be completely immobile, and his head appeared to be in okay condition, negating the possibility of brain damage causing the tics. Something else… Poison perhaps? And what the hell was _wrong_ with everyone?

_Have any of these attendants actually learned basic first aid? What the hell are they doing on this floor, other than _not helping_?_

She was too busy to notice a certain scruffy-headed dog-boy peeking through the doorway, but she was one of few. One of the wide-eyed nurses spotted him and decided it was more productive to go tell him off than to try and help a dying man.

"You can't be in here! What do you want?"

Kiba didn't pay her any attention, walking right past to the bed, grabbing some gauze, and shoving it into the more gruesome wounds surrounding Sakura's work area (like the nurse should have been doing). His assistance provided the small edge necessary for Sakura to slow the man's heart rate, which allowed for more fixing and less mucking about in blood-flooded organs. The pink-haired medic understandably didn't notice who had been helping her until after she had managed to fully close the wounds and was hooking the patient up to a blood transfusion. She was just making a note of the man's more suspicious symptoms on his chart when she noticed Kiba taking his turn scrubbing out at the sink.

Kiba had expected something a little different than the response he got, which was exactly the same as the one he'd gotten from the stupid nurse. Sakura seemed genuinely angry with him. Her green eyes burned in a way he hadn't thought possible. After all, green had always seemed to be such a mellow color.

"What. The hell. Was THAT."

"That was called _helping_," Kiba said, "a concept wholly foreign to the rest of the staff here, far as I can tell. You really ought to look into that." He stretched briefly. "Seriously, it's just not professional."

"YOU aren't professional! You don't work here, you aren't trained in any medical arts, and you had no reason to follow me to work in the first place!" Sakura looked like she was going to pull her own hair out and then all of his, she was so mad. Kiba backpedaled, but only a little.

"Hey, don't be jumping all over me! I was just doing what needed to be done because no one else was! The guy could have died, for fuck's sake. Don't need medical training to know that we only have so much blood and that it's bad to have more of it outside than in."

Sakura shook her head violently. "That isn't the point! You have no right to h-" She seemed to rethink her statement, face hardening. "You know what, I don't even care anymore. Just get out of here. Go home and take care of your sick sister. You can commiserate over the toilet bowl together."

Kiba had composure enough to run a lazy hand through his hair, appropriating a look of concern. "Is she still sick? That isn't good news at all. And my stomach is completely settled now, for the record."

"Great. I don't care. Go away, I have business to attend to."

And away she marched. Kiba sighed. It wasn't his style to leave a fight unfinished, but he would be murdered if he followed her right now. So he made a mental To Do note and turned to go, soundly body-checking a small blur in the process.

"Oh God! I'm sorry. I really am in the way, I guess. Really, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" He helped the blur to her feet, this blur being a candy striper by the name of Hiroko (or so said her name tag).

She blushed, giggling nervously. "I'm fine, thank you. And I'm sorry too. I should have been watching where I was going. Hey, um," she looked up at him meekly, eyes taking on an odd shine, "it's none of my business, but… would you by any chance be Sakura-sempai's boyfriend?"

* * *

_That JACKASS, what the fuck was he thinking? That kind of behavior would get _him_ a slap on the wrist if he were caught, but I would probably get suspended from duty! Thank sweet heaven the newbies were all too freaked out to pay much attention… Though why there were so many of them around in place of useful medical staff, I have no idea._

Sakura forced herself to breathe deeply, making a herculean effort to push her anger aside; there was a time and a place, and healing numerous kunai wounds with endless possibilities of poisons on their tips was neither. She hadn't killed the dog ninja yet, therefore he would still be there later for her to kill. Good deal.

"All right, what's the overall situation with this team? And someone get me a list of what poisons are prevalent in the area they were caught, the first one had some suspicious reactions…"

The medic was on duty.

* * *

"Bwuh?"

Kiba stared at the diminutive girl, who stared back, eyes narrowing at his lack of response.

"It's a simple enough question. Either you are or you aren't." This so-called Hiroko person put her hands on her hips, watching him in a rather unsettling way, shyness evaporating like the despicable act it must have been as her eyebrows set _just so_ above her eyes.

"Uh…"

"I'm going to take that to mean that you aren't. Honestly, is it so hard to say? Shouldn't be that difficult to get out, even from a slack sort of jaw like yours." She put a finger to her chin, studying him in the way of a disapproving mother-in-law. Kiba wasn't quite sure what he ought to do. What was with the sudden assumption, nay, _accusation_ that he and Sakura were dating? The girl's sudden change in attitude was making him antsy. If he left, would she recognize it as a strategic retreat? Would she follow him?

The appearance of her face rather too close to his own effectively startled all illogical thoughts from his head, that is to say, all thoughts. His headache, almost gone, chose now to come back with a vengeance. Her eyes bright with excitement, Hiroko murmured, "And from that slack jaw, I'm guessing my little question caught you rather off your guard, probably also putting some questions about sempai into that head of yours which is probably _still_ spinning a little from that tiff you just had. And this can only mean that you are unconsciously attracted to her, as she didn't verbally slap you so much as lightly tap you on the head with a few of the gentler words one might use in such a situation. So it really shouldn't be bothering you as much as it is. You _like_ her, don't you?"

The girl leaned back very slightly, looking rather smug.

Kiba scowled, feeling a pressing need to puncture that self-satisfaction by pointing out that his head had been perfectly fine until she assaulted it with her own verbal hurricane of nonsense, and how maybe she shouldn't go around getting all psychoanalytical in people's faces if her own mug was breaking out (because it was. Spots all over her nose, badly hidden with that liquid skin stuff ladies were so fond of slathering on).

_Can't see why they bother. It almost seems to make the imperfections more obvious... Unless they're really good with make-up, I guess. But since she _isn't_, she would do a better job hiding them if she just kept her big nose where it belongs, which is __out__ of my business... Oh, I guess that's being a bit unfair, her nose isn't _that_ big, it's jus-_

Kiba halted his inner monologue upon realizing that she was still staring at him. Her smirk was incredibly annoying. He tried to act dignified as he shoved his hands in his back pockets and started walking away. "If you're gonna try and trick somebody into giving you juicy details, you should get your story straighter. Be more careful with the connections that don't actually, you know, _connect_."

She followed him, sounding a bit put out. "What do you mean 'that don't connect'?"

_Damn it. _Why were his instincts only right about annoying things? He turned back. "All she did was yell at me. I didn't deserve it _at all_, but she's tired today, so it makes sense that she would have a short fuse. I mean, it's never very long, but... oh, that's not the point. Actually, I don't think there was a point. You have an overactive imagination. Also, aren't you getting paid to do something useful around here or something? Maybe you should go do that."

She flapped a hand at him. "Psh. You're just saying that because I struck a nerve. Admit it!"

Kiba looked at her, increasingly peeved. "Look, you're dressed like you work here, I'll give you that, but I think I'll stick with my policy of disregarding anything anyone tells me unless they have initials in their job title, like M.D. or whatever else. Especially since you just don't know what you're on about."

She wasn't daunted. "I didn't mean anything by my observation. I just like making sure Sakura-sempai doesn't have more trouble than can she handle in her life. I'm sorry my directness offends you. It's just how I am. Sempai says it's a good quality for a young person to have."

Kiba cocked his head to one side. "How old are you?"

"Fifteen."

Kiba gave the girl a hard look, and decided she just wasn't worth it. Sakura did exude maturity spanning beyond her twenty-one years, but having only their personal interactions to examine, he had no real proof that she was levelheaded enough to justify a (misguided) comment like that. And please, like _he_ was any basis for comparison…

"Well, I guess if you haven't been fired by now, she likes you all right. Anyway, buzz off. I'm leaving."

"So you don't deny hav—"

"Seriously, we're just friends. We haven't dated, we aren't dating, and, in all likelihood, we won't date."

"I was talking about having feelings, not dating. Sakura-sempai doesn't have time for dating, especially not with idiots like you."

Kiba's mouth opened slowly as he ran her comment through his brain. True enough that Sakura had little to no personal time, not that she'd be all that hard-pressed to keep a man if she got one... Kiba stood by his earlier thoughts; Sakura was a quality lady, and only a complete idiot would ditch her just because she had a demanding job. Regular idiots like him would do well to horn in on that action while the getting was still good. Gorgeous, smart, a doctor... there was no losing, as long as one overlooked the part where she was fucking scary, and Kiba was learning that this was easy enough to do. He was living proof in that he was still living. But who knew, one of his numbskull brethren might get their brain in gear any minute now and follow through on this hidden and slightly treacherous path...

Heaven forbid.

Kiba reined in his wandering mind, realizing that he was not helping his case against stupidity all that much. His mouth was hanging fully open by now, and Hiroko seemed to be examining his slightly feral teeth. He snapped his jaws shut, yanking her attention back to the rest of his face.

"...Well, that's just _your_ opinion. And it's dumb for numerous reasons, primarily because there are _no feelings_ except for those of friendship and the extreme gratitude that comes from a death pardon."

The young girl opened her infuriating mouth once more, likely to blather on again about all these feelings he supposedly had. He zoned out for a few moments.

"Hey, what's with the worried look? Are you afraid I'm going to tell her and then she'll kill you? Because I won't. Then _she_ won't. You just tell her when the time is right, okay? But I should get back to work. It was great talking to you! Really... illuminating. I guess I'll be seeing you around, huh?" With a wink, she scampered back down the hall. She turned the corner before Kiba could even open his mouth. But he did anyway.

"What am I telling her? There's nothing to tell!"

_Why do I end up yelling after people so often? Miserable brat. More believable as a patient than an employee. Absolutely bonkers. _In any event, she was gone. Kiba grumbled under his breath and would have been leaving the hospital to head over to Sakura's again (for his laundry, you understand) had he not noticed a familiar-looking girl leaning against the wall by the doors.

Kiba stared. "Um… didn't you just go running off in the other direction?"

When the girl looked him full in the face, however, he could see that he was mistaken. This version of that annoyance was older, late twenties or early thirties. Her unsettling eyes were scanning him from head to toe, and she seemed to like what she saw.

Kiba, however, did not. He'd never been much for older women, and while this one was still a cub, she was obviously a full-on cougar in the making.

"Only crazy women would turn away from such a fine specimen of manhood as yourself."

Kiba's stare turned into a full-on gape. A double take would not have been uncalled-for. "_Excuse me_? Are you… _serious_? Who the fuck _are_ you?"

His little outburst seemed to do nothing but amuse and entice. The woman's mouth turned up just a little more, hooded eyes never stopping their continual checkout.

"OH, wait, I get it. This is a joke, isn't it? Are there hidden cameras somewhere or something?" There was the rare chance of that, yes, but Kiba's stupidly hopeful smile faded as the woman shook her head, slow and dangerous.

Kiba realized this is how the girls he chased must feel when _he_ looked at them. But he only seriously eye-groped the ones who seemed to welcome such behavior. This lady wasn't obeying the rules at all. He was so not in the mood for any more bullshit. His head hurt. And weren't cougars only supposed to hunt at night?

After a minute of complete discomfort, Kiba realized he should just go outside, where freedom awaited the fleet of foot. _Evasion tactics are go._

"…Wow. A, uh, _beautiful_ stranger says something like that and, and it doesn't even phase me." Kiba tried to rearrange his expression into one of sudden understanding, though his pounding head was making it difficult to determine whether or not he was successful. "Maybe Hiroko was onto something. Maybe I _do_ have feelings for Sakura. I mean, before this, hell, I would have jumped at the chance to take a lovely lady such as you to dinner, a _marvelous_ dinner that would certainly end in a night of _unparalleled_ pleasure, but now…" and here, his mind, which wasn't even on track to begin with, completely forgot any words that would safely defuse the situation and allow for a semi-graceful escape, "now, I feel nothing but… but... FEELINGS FOR SAKURA."

There went the act (because he had definitely had it in the bag up to that point), though it wasn't completely his fault; what did this overbearing woman intend to accomplish by coming up and grabbing his shirt like that? As if that would change the mind of a man in love… Kiba assumed. With a stifled cry, he tore himself away and fairly threw himself out the double doors, trying to look desperate and lovelorn instead of out of his mind with an interesting combination of pain and heebie jeebies. But he didn't get very far. The woman had better reflexes than he'd anticipated, and now she had him by the back of his shirt collar, expression triumphant. "Like I believe that. Aside from your terrible acting skills, I heard you talking with my sister in there. But I agree to dinner and... _all_ that follows."

Kiba spun to face her, breaking her grip and letting loose a cry of "SAKURA! SHE WILL BE MINE!", before having the presence of mind to simply run away as he should have done from the get-go. Hopefully she would stay where she was this time and let him escape. Hopefully she lived in another village and was just visiting, so he would never have to deal with her again. And maybe Sakura would be too tired to do anything but agree to his stupid plan when he told her about it.

In an operating room upstairs, Sakura sneezed delicately into her sleeve and hoped she hadn't caught something.


	6. Rampant Imagination

Consolidated, nipped, and tucked to my heart's content. Now I just need to write new material and somehow finish this thing before I get irritated with it and go on another re-write rampage...

Rampant Imagination

The day wore on into evening, and Sakura eventually found herself on lunch break at a time far past noon. Gratefully taking a few moments to shut her eyes, she cleared her mind as best she could; it needed the rest.

More rest than she had gotten the previous night, that's for sure.

_Freaking Kiba. Doesn't he have other people he can bother? I mean, we're friends and all, but I'm sure he has others closer to him that are far more used to his boyish antics and asshattery._

She was still angry about that morning, though the anger had simmered into an unpleasant essence of regret over time. By hospital policy, she had every right to yell at him, but he had actually helped as opposed to the people getting paid to work there who had done nothing but scurry around like so many cockroaches.

_Unhelpful_ cockroaches.

So, being the kind-hearted soul she was at least half of the time, Sakura felt ever so slightly remorseful. She doubted he was all that hurt by her outburst, but one could never tell with men.

_Though he's hardly a man… Could be if he tried, I'm sure, but right now, he's just a _guy_... Definitely not the same thing._

Not many people realized it, but Guys and Men were extremely different. Both hid their emotions from the fairer sex generally, but Men were the better choice if a lady wanted to have an actual relationship. Men had broad shoulders, and strong arms to hold you with when you cried; they didn't mind you crying either. They would tell you how beautiful you were even when you didn't feel like it. Parents loved Men, and usually felt pretty good about leaving their precious baby girl with them.

Guys, on the other hand, were more keen on making fart noises with their armpits, to be unbearably cliché. A Guy's smile was fun and full of hilarity, but rarely held anything serious behind it. 'Relationship' was the most taboo word to bring up with a Guy, followed closely by 'talk', 'kids' (probably worse than 'relationship', actually, but 'relationship' had a tendency of popping up first), and 'anniversary' (only because Hell would freeze over before they remembered one). Any chance flowers and chocolate were hand-picked and picked over when they were thought of at all.

_Kiba is such a guy. It's really too bad that he needs to find a steady someone soon, because he just doesn't seem ready to have an actual girlfriend. If Naruto is any standard to go by, he may never be. _Sakura let out a deep sigh, puffing her cheeks out contemplatively. _Then again, Kiba's probably better off than Naruto is... Not that I'm really the best person to judge Naruto on his romantic capacity anymore._

Sakura thought back to even earlier that morning, when the dog ninja had been running his mouth off like the Guy he is; but he had at least noticed when he said something stupid, and felt bad about it... That was a start, right? He wasn't a bad guy or a dumb guy, just a… guy guy. Yeah.

Sakura shook her head and sunk further into the uncomfortable couch in the staff lounge, which was surprisingly empty. Definitely a plus, as it gave her time to think without distraction, an impossible task in every other place she could think to be. And she needed to be able to think, because for reasons she could not fathom at the moment, she felt slightly obligated to help Kiba out. Maybe it was because while she'd known forever that he was like this, she hadn't been exposed to a good dose of Kiba for some time; and since he'd presented his problems to her personally, perhaps the part of her that just wanted to help people, that just wanted to use the knowledge accumulated in that big brain of hers, was simply reaching out to a friend in need. She began considering lessons for the dog ninja, a series of skills for him to learn so that he could actually hook someone.

'Can I buy you a drink? What's your name? What's your sign? Do you like babies? Wanna have some soon?' Yeah, that'd go over like a stack of bricks.

She considered various approaches, but gave up after a few minutes. Thinking about dating was giving her a migraine. There was a reason she didn't do it very often.

_Dating... What's even the point of it? Why waste time and money going out with someone if all you really want to do is boink 'em in the end?_ As far as she could tell, that was the only real main objective, unless of course someone's biological clock was ticking, and the few guys who had approached her had not been that far advanced in age.

Naruto was the only guy she would agree to go on dates with anymore, and that was only because they were practically siblings now.

And that was really a crying shame. Some truly magnificent relationships had been spawned out of lengthy friendships. _It's almost like you can only really fall in love with someone if you already know them and know they can make you happy._

Actually, yes. That's exactly what it was like. Sure, dating was all about getting to know the other person, but the underlying sentiment of the evening still seemed, to Sakura, a constant elephant in the room, hiding badly beneath the playful banter and expensive food.

_Ino-pig's romantic history is the perfect example of this. How many years did she spend roaming the male population of Konoha before she noticed Chouji? He's not hard to miss or anything, but the point is that he has been a presence in her life from the very beginning. I mean, their fathers were on a team together, weren't they? It was just a matter of time, really._

Sakura grumbled to herself and decided some coffee might be nice. It was the typical hospital brew (see: gross), but it was steaming and eased a bit of the tension out of her shoulders as she slumped against the counter.

Then Kiba's face loomed in her mind, grinning in a fashion annoyingly similar to Naruto on a mischievous day, though wilder. Sakura attempted to distract herself by taking larger sips of the terrible coffee, burning her mouth with bad flavor more than heat, but it was hardly effective; her physically weakened state made it easier to lose control of her mind as well, so when the dog nin's face refused to disappear back into the darkness from whence it came, she gave in to the thoughts that had been darting in and out of her mind all day when she wasn't paying attention, musing over the relative comfort she found in his presence.

There _was_ comfort there, she conceded grudgingly, unexpected as it was. That didn't make it any less real.

_Well, he _is_ a mild clone of Naruto… And there's the shinobi kinship thing to consider… I mean, we've all laid down our lives for this village at one point or another, and we were both elements of the good old Rookie Nine. Those kinds of things connect people all the time. It's pretty cool, actually, that this can happen._

A voice of reason (maybe) broke through her consciousness: _**you know what else is cool? Rivers in Egypt.**_

Sakura's eyes flew open and she paused, reconsidering the rogue statement. _I don't get it… Which is incredibly stupid. Am I thinking this or am I thinking this?_

She got a flash of memory in response… she and Kiba were sitting at her table – his heathen consumption of the soup she had so caringly heated up in the microwave resulted in a comment from her, which sparked a challenge from him – animal eyes, infused with an emotion she could not place and was quite possibly making up – a curl of something in her stomach…

_**Obviously it's just comfort, right? Foolish, foolish...**_

Sakura shook her head violently. She really needed a nap. A tired imagination can take you dangerous places.

* * *

_WHY, I will question again, WHY must I always be wrong about the irritating shit?_

The cougar was hot on Kiba's tail. After fifteen minutes of ducking down alleys and trying to hide among the few people around (the crowds chose a great time to go home), he managed to lose her by taking a corner at breakneck speeds and rolling behind a dumpster. Her rapidly clicking heels faded into the distance, and Kiba allowed himself a moment to breathe. Then he hit the rooftops, scanning for a landmark that would lead him to Sakura's place.

_I hope this isn't some kind of trend, me ending up at her place after being chased by the wrong kinds of women... She'll skin me for bothering her so much, provided that she hasn't already by that point._ Kiba grimaced, giving up on his eyes (no use at all) and putting his nose to work to find her apartment._ Or maybe I give her too little credit. I mean, she hasn't killed Naruto once in all these years, and he's _so_ much worse than me._

Suddenly, the vile specimen he thought he had avoided popped up in front of him like a Jack-in-the-Box. And since he had never gotten over that one particular nightmare, he screamed like a small child and threw himself backwards. Unfortunately, backwards meant directly over the edge of the building he had just landed on. He fell, in slow motion…

…onto a comfortable-ish couch. He blinked up at a ceiling (not his) and wondered why he couldn't manage to dream up something more awesome to land in, such as a large vat of pudding, or a sparkling pool teeming with babes. Maybe a pool filled with pudding _and_ babes.

Then he clued into the fact that he recognized this couch. And the ceiling. And that dead ficus, watching him pathetically from the windowsill.

"Wait... That was a dream. I was dreaming and I'm at Sakura's... Wait, I'm at Sakura's? _Again_?"

The couch did not respond. The ceiling was far too lofty a character to comment (HA). The ficus, had it been alive, would probably have been able to fill in the details if it grew a mouth. Alas, for it was not so.

Kiba listened carefully, scenting the air for any odd and/or dangerous female smells. All he smelled was Sakura. He stared at the ficus.

"Maybe it was _all_ a dream. Did I even go to the hospital this morning?"

The ficus stared back disconcertingly. Kiba glared at it for a moment and then gave up. How could he win a staring contest with something that had no eyes? It would totally _never_ blink.

He peeked around the apartment and briefly out the door, just to be safe, then locked himself in, confident that the denizen in his dream had stayed there. He must have dozed off after she gave him his clothes... She _had_ been called into the hospital, something important, he followed her... No, that had to be when he'd fallen asleep. Why would he follow her? That didn't make any sense at all. But when did dreams ever do that? Confident with this analysis, he headed back over to the couch; it was a quiet thing, but friendly enough to butts.

And so the boy miraculously proceeded to forget everything that had happened that day, just like he did all his dreams...

Until Sakura got home, that is.

* * *

Finally, FINALLY, she was allowed to leave, if only because she was completely drained of chakra and therefore of little to no use anymore.

Also, Tsunade had personally dragged her outside and literally kicked her butt in the direction of home.

Though it was really more of a gentle nudge with the toe of her shoe, because even though she was the mother of tough, the Fifth still had a soft spot for her apprentice. Even when that stupid apprentice overworked herself on lower-than-normal chakra reserves and a too-obvious lack of sleep. Even when she kept trying to turn back, muttering incoherently about some kid with severe burns on his leg, though Tsunade knew for a fact that the last burn victim they'd received had come in last week.

"GO HOME, Sakura. Please. And call when you get there, would you? I can't take you myself and I'm not very confident in your basic capabilities right now, so don't make me worry."

"Okaaaaaaay, okaaaaaaaaaaay. Gotcha. Call, home, yes, sleep, hrmb." With this eloquent farewell, Sakura toddled off home. Tsunade stared after her for a moment, then rushed back into the hospital to try and find someone to help the girl get home _safely_ (that guy with the broken spine wasn't going anywhere), confidence running completely out. She was met, however, with the same problem as Sakura: unhelpful cockroaches.

And then some actual cockroaches that were spewing from a fresh hole in the wall, created by a runaway gurney.

Sakura managed to make it all the way to her building and all the way up the stairs before her legs gave out. She crawled slowly to her door and unlocked it, falling halfway in.

_Good enough_. She yawned immensely and had just dozed off when… _Kiba?_

_No, no. I'm dreaming. He wouldn't still be in my apartment… would he?_ But then he asked if any cougars had followed her home and that sealed it. She murmured a blissful negative and let the darkness take her.

* * *

Kiba's only warning this time had been a muffled thump out in the hall, and then the door was swinging open. He had just jumped behind the couch when his nose registered a wave of Sakura smell in the air, faint under a miasma of antiseptic and blood.

He immediately hopped over to help her up, as she seemed to have tripped, tactfully checking to see if she had any visitors he didn't know about (he knew it was all a dream, but better safe than sorry; luck had been treating him pretty nice lately, but maybe she was just putting him off his guard). When asked directly, however, Sakura merely mumbled at him, smiled like an angel, and conked out.

Kiba snorted. "You seem pretty cozy here. Is it a habit of yours to sleep in the hallway? Just because the Hokage does it sometimes doesn't mean you should follow her example."

_I mean, she drinks all the time, doesn't she? Surely she's passed out in a hallway or some other conspicuous place before. _He thought it was pretty clever.

In any event, he may as well have been talking to the ficus for all the response he got. So, with a sigh, Kiba hauled the surprisingly heavy girl to the couch, figuring that if she were awake, she probably wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone who might have to walk past her door. Also, she would probably not be lying there in the first place, though he couldn't say for sure. People were weird.

The Hokage probably drank herself into oblivion on a regular basis, but Sakura was clearly passed out from exhaustion instead of alcohol. Besides the fact that this only made sense, he would have smelled the liquor on her; also she didn't strike him as a very hard drinker. If she drank at all, it was probably just girly shit like wine coolers and that pink drink that smelled like vodka-soaked cranberries.

Last night's bar fiasco was more on his mind than he'd thought it would be... Rolling his eyes for a nonexistent audience, Kiba forced the unpleasant (albeit spotty) recall from his head and turned his attention to the pinkette once more, studying the hollows under her eyes and the droop of her mouth.

_She must've had a really hard day. Hopefully she yells at me again about waking her up. Seeing her like this just makes me feel like an ass all over again. It's not like she would ever take the rest of the day off just because she'd lost some sleep... That's just not how Sakura is. Even after that team was safe, I'm sure she wanted to check that those idiots working under her hadn't almost killed anyone else. _Something was strange about this, though; Kiba usually never felt bad about idiotic things he'd done after the initial wave of shame had passed.

_Maybe it's because she's scary when she's conscious... Anyway, what can I even do? I don't... You know, I'll bet she hardly ate anything today. Yeah, I should make her some food! If she won't rest when she's tired, she probably doesn't break when she's hungry either. _He shook his head._ Poor little hardass... I hope she has eggs._

He had just finished beating the eggs for an omelet to end all omelets (the only edible thing he could make) when the phone rang. He ignored it, remembering Sakura's less than pleasant response the last time he'd answered her phone (and yes, she was out cold, but he'd have to take a message and _then_ she'd know, wouldn't she?). Then the answering machine clicked on and assailed his ears with a barrage of swearing inappropriate for that time of day. So he picked up the phone in order to give this idiot some insight into why 2:26 AM was far too early to be cussing like that into some stranger's answering machine.

And the Hokage's voice responded, "WHO THE HELL IS THIS? SAKURA! I'M SENDING SOMEONE!"

"INUZUKA KIBA, MA'AM! SAKURA'S FINE, JUST PASSED OUT ON THE COUCH AND I'M MAKING HER SOME DINNER, I'M SORRY, PLEASE DON'T SEND PEOPLE TO KILL ME, SHE'S ALREADY GOING TO KILL ME WHEN SHE FINDS OUT THAT I ANSWERED THE PHONE!"

The line was silent. Then: "Inuzuka? Is that so… Huh."

"Um, yeah? What's so? Am I still gonna be iced? I would rather eat fish than sleep with them, for the record."

Kiba listened in confusion as the Hokage laughed, her tone becoming surprisingly light considering she had almost just sicced some ANBU black ops all over his ass.

"Oh, no, you're fine! I just wouldn't have thought you to be her type, that's all. I would've bet on Naruto out of everyone, but… well, actually, that seals the deal, doesn't it. You're both so alike, that must be wh—"

Kiba spluttered into the receiver. "W-what are you on? We're not dating, I'm just making her dinner."

"…And she's sleeping on the couch. Funny how much she trusts you considering you two aren't _involved_…"

Kiba opened his mouth to retort that she hadn't quite made it through the door, so it's not like she was consciously giving him this trust, but then he thought about what that would imply.

And yes, while he had been in her apartment before she got there, it wasn't like he was waiting for her or anything…

Though he couldn't think of any other reason why he was there. There were more comfortable couches to sleep on around the village. And he had completely forgotten about the laundry, so no excuse there.

"...That's what I thought. Your hesitance is _almost_ cute. Fine, take good care of her, then. If you ever hurt her, I'll tear your arms off, among other things." And the line went dead. Kiba took a long minute to put the phone back down.

_WHAT?_

His brain had barely started wrestling with the idea that the Hokage thought he and Sakura were an item when his consciousness sparked.

He was just a regular idiot.

He _was_ just a regular idiot.

Kiba was a regular idiot, and Sakura had a history of being able to deal with regular idiots. And if _Naruto_ could be one of her favorite people, why not Kiba too?

His mind clicked around slowly. _If we could just get together, t__hen I've got a girl and my clan will shut up. It's not like they'd have to know it was fake... And then I could relax a bit and focus calmer energies towards finding an actual mate! Sakura's been helpful towards that end anyway, I don't see why it would matter if we were pretending to be dating in the process. And maybe my involvement would spur some hidden suitors into action. She would appreciate that, right? _Kiba couldn't tell if he was having a stroke of genius or just planning something else for Sakura to roll her eyes at. But friends helped friends, as Shino said, and surely he'd had worse ideas in the past...

_This... This could fix everything. Temporarily, but temporary is all that's required. A temporary set-up until we both find somebody else, at which point we'll move on with our lives. _

He hoped Sakura would be in a giving mood when she woke up... Unlikely.

_...Better make a damn good omelet._


End file.
